“There's NO PLACE like HOME”

“Welcome to my OUTER SPACE Blog where I share ideas and personal experiences even some art and writing samples.

OUTER SPACE TWO

I was going to pick one of my own poems but 1- I didn’t know if that was ok and 2- another song popped up in my mind that I thought could really do this question justice. The name of the song is “HOME” from the Broadway show the WIZ:

I sang it at my mother’s Posthumous 87th Birthday Bash this Christmas – she was born the day after -- Dec. 26th, 1932. The song goes something like this.

HOME

When I think of home

I think of a place where there’s love overflowing

I wish I was home -- I wish I was back there

With the things I’ve been knowing

Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning

Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning

Sprinkling the scene -- Makes it all clean

Suddenly there’s a chance for me to go back now that I have some direction

It would sure be nice to be back home where there’s love and affection

Then maybe I can convince time to slow up

Giving me enough time in my life to grow up

Time be my friend -- Let me start again

Suddenly the worlds gone and changed its face

But I still know where I’m going

I have had my mind spun around in space

And yet I’ve watched it growing

Ah if your listen God -- Please don’t make it hard

To believe in the things that we see

Tell us should we run away -- Should we try n stay

Or would it be better just to let things be

Living here in this brand-new world might be a fantasy

But it taught me to love -- so it’s real, real to me

And I’ve learned we must look inside our hearts to find

A world full of love –- like yours -- like mine

Like HOME!!

Now me and my mother had a very volatile relationship – in fact she tried to strangle me just before my 18th birthday and subsequent graduation from the High School of Art & Design. And as a consequence, I was homeless for a time as a teenager in NYC because of it – that incident. Every psychologist and mental health professional at the time said it wasn’t safe for me to continue trying to grow up in my mother’s house, so I had to leave and was on the streets at a young age fortunately I frequented a place for runaways called the DOOR in the village. With their help and a lot of other people along the way -- Obviously, I survived and have thrived in spite of all that.

But none the less this song has great meaning to and for me. Not about the home I missed out on by growing up in a house filled with abuse. But about the home I created for myself as an adult in spite of all that pain and trauma. When the song says “maybe I can convince time to slow up – giving me enough time in my life to grow up – Time be my friend let me start again” – I feel that line to my core. I found myself as an adult trying to replace what had been missing my whole childhood. And truth be told my mother was so miserable and took it out on me because she did not have a childhood at all. She’d been orphaned at 5 years old. She had trouble with me succeeding at art because she wanted to be an artist but was caught up in just surviving. I managed to do both survive and become an artist.

But what I have now is a home deep within myself that no one can ever take away from me. I am comfortable just about anywhere because I know who I am. Who I love and who loves me? I am comfortable and grateful that I have my art – it has saved my life my psyche more times than I can count. When I was scapegoated as a child for being talented, I was actually ashamed of the awards, great grades and attention I was getting because it made both my mother and my siblings very unhappy, pained. And since that was not MY goal or intent, I grew deeply apologetic for who I was and could not help being -- an artist. Something my mother wanted so badly for herself.

[ Below you will find my singing rendition of the song I speak of]: Yes that's me -- singing.

I can only feel a sadness and empathy for her not attaining that which she most coveted so much -- in the same vain creating brings such joy now. It is my HOME. When the song says “Living here in this brand-new world might be a fantasy. -- But it taught me to love -- so it’s real, real to me” I understand that line completely. HOME [which is my art] has become A place deep within I can count on and return to for warmth, inspiration, sustenance and just joy. It does indeed take courage to create. I know this is true as my life was almost squeezed out of me because I dared to be myself a person who happened to be born creative. The truth is ironically it was a gift directly from my mother. It’s funny what I remember is that she was very creative -- only it took the form of designing our clothes then making them -- decorating the house for the holidays -– beautifully and things like that – none the less that was inspiring to me especially -- I took note then took it several steps further. I have worked very hard to find a home within. And have very much succeeded in doing so.